30 Years

I am 30 years old. Wow. My twenties went by really fast, and not at all as I planned them.

My birthday itself was a ton of fun this year. We used my birthday party to announce our pregnancy to extended family, we went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants, and went to Disneyland the following day. I wouldn't change anything about my birthday. I couldn't have asked for anything better, or for better people to spend it with. 

I'm not terribly thrilled with the number itself, however I'm really looking forward to seeing what God has planned for the next ten years. That's right. What God has planned. I've said it before, I have no idea what's coming next, and I like it. Truly, if I could go back in time and talk to my twenty year old self, that might be my number one piece of advice. Stop planning crap!!!! Life will happen. God will be in control. Stop thinking you have any say in it! I'm all for prudent preparation, health insurance, savings/retirement accounts, etc. There are obviously some things in life that take a little planning. However, there are some things in life that are totally out of our hands and completely in God's. I think this realization is going to make my thirties much smoother than my twenties. I'm up for whatever God wants to bring our way, and Josh feels the same. 

God has allowed very hard things to happen to us (notice I didn't say He caused the hard things), but He has brought us through and blessed us greatly. I wouldn't change a single thing about how the past years have unfolded. NOT A SINGLE THING. Yes I miss Evelyn, yes not having a left hand is frustrating sometimes, and yes infertility has its own special sting, but all of these things make me me. If Evelyn had lived she would have been a blessing to say the least, loved beyond words. But since she didn't I got to experience the world of breast milk donation, make lifelong friends through it, grow closer to my husband, family, and God, and gained a scar on my heart that matches thousands of other women's hearts. I can rejoice with those women that our babies are with their King, and cry with them when we need to. It's a part of this world that shouldn't exist, but I'm proud to know the women who exist in it and make it through life anyway.

Losing my left hand seems like small potatoes. Frankly, I'm glad it's gone. I think I would have been a vain, impatient, wretch with it. And that's all I have to say about that.

Infertility totally sucks! It puts a marriage to the test like no other. It make you question what it is to be a woman. It bleeds you dry financially and emotionally. If you let it. Oh man does it have a purpose though! All I have to do is look at my daughter and I could fall on my face in sheer gratitude for infertility. And again, I do believe I would be a vain, self-reliant wretch of a pregnant woman right now if I didn't understand the unbelievable miracle that  had to occur to get me pregnant a second time.

Yes, yes, yes, my thirties will contain hard and trying life challenges. I am still human. But come what may, my God is BIG. Bigger than loss, bigger than pain, bigger than death. And He will not leave me no matter how wretched I am.

Celebrating at my 30th birthday party with family.

Disneyland for mom's birthday!

 

Knock Me Over With A Feather

I'm about to type something I never thought I'd type again.

I'm pregnant!

Before I start explaining, I want to make something clear. This blog is not going to turn into a pregnancy blog. I promise. I remember when we were in our wait, I was reading a blog by another hopeful adoptive mom who unexpectedly became pregnant and I immediately had no desire to continue reading her blog. Infertility is not something I take lightly and I do NOT want to step on tender hearts.

I have, however, decided to celebrate this pregnancy as much as I can. That must sound strange to the average person. "Why wouldn't she celebrate a pregnancy?!" Because I'm painfully aware of what could go "wrong". Stillbirth is not something you get over. Ever. The pain fades, but you never forget the experience. So, to chronicle my attempts to look past my fear and trust God (as if He has ever let me down. Oh, Kristen of little faith.) I have started another blog in addition to this one. Follow along if you'd like. Fair warning though, this pregnancy will probably still be mentioned here and there on this blog, because it is part of our lives obviously. I would still like to keep my focus here on adoption.

 When you've experienced trial after trial for as long as we have it's easy to expect more of the same. We know God loves us. We do not doubt His power, grace, or sovereignty. We feel unspeakably blessed to get another chance at a healthy pregnancy. Although it has been said by our doctor that, since Evelyn's passing was undiagnosed, the chances of another loss are present, we remain very optimistic. God is bigger than medicine. Just the fact that I am pregnant again is a miracle! 

So there you have it. Intermission explained. Now go forth, and be gobsmacked at the incredible unpredictability, generosity, and power of God. 

Shock doesn't even begin to describe it.

Intermission

There will be a brief intermission while I run around like a chicken with its head cut off, freak out about a few things, and then come to the realization that God is on His throne, His timing is perfect, and He loves me in spite of myself. Blogging will resume shortly.