I am amazed

 What a beautiful feeling, the relief of starting the adoption process was. We were excited, relaxed, and enjoying what we were sure would be a wait of no more than eight or nine months (The average wait time for our agency). There is no doubt in my mind that every adopted child was absolutely planned for and wanted. You can't go into adoption halfhearted. The background checks, fingerprinting, stacks of paperwork, phone calls, home inspections, it can all be a bit overwhelming. I was excited to begin though. I got right to it. 

Making our profile for our agency to give to birth moms.

  By Easter we were ready to announce our adoption to our entire family. I will never forget Josh standing up in front of everyone and reading from Ephesians chapter one about our adoption into God's family through Christ and then telling everyone we were adopting. There were tears, applause, and excitement from everyone. It was a beautiful day. Our families could not be more supportive and happy for us. There hasn't been a baby in Josh's family in 16 years. There are members of our family who have placed baby items for both genders on layaway just to be prepared. Both of our parents were eagerly anticipating being grandparents for the first time.

Josh reading from Ephesians 1.

We were at peace. No more pills and injections, no more tears every month we weren't pregnant, no more anxiety about the cost of fertility treatments. I was amazed at how easily we slipped into the hope of adoption. We began to enjoy just being married. We knew this would be the last time it would just be Josh and I. Soon our child would be our focus. I began to nest. We removed the queen bed from our nursery to make room for a crib, bought a car seat and stroller, I even bought a little gender neutral Dr. Suess onesie. It was such a relief to walk through the baby department at the store and not feel a pit in my stomach. 

I will always be amazed by God's timing.

Three months after starting our adoption, I was pregnant. Yep. The feeling of complete shock and awe does not even begin to describe what it was like to take a positive pregnancy test. What the heck!? Our first thought was "now we'll have two!" I felt like God was kind of putting us on the parenting fast-track to make up for the years of waiting. Both of our children would be loved beyond words. Both were equal. Both were ours. When I called our agency to tell them the good news, the agency director told me something that hadn't once occurred to me. Woman considering adoption want their baby to be the focus and the fact that I was pregnant might put some expectant moms off. It would prolong our adoption process. While I was sad and disappointed, I was understanding too. We were given the option to put our profile on hold but that didn't feel right at all. We were sure some special expectant mom out there would understand how we felt. They were both our children. So we waited.

20 weeks pregnant.

Pregnancy was beautiful. I had times of paranoia that I think comes with every first pregnancy and years of trying to conceive. Things were going really well though. We enjoyed early pregnancy and waited eagerly to hear from that special mom we knew was out there somewhere. Then at about 18 weeks, we went for an ultrasound, and they told us the baby was on the small side and my fluid was a little low. We were reassured by friends and family that these weren't major problems and after more testing our doctor confirmed that blood flow to the baby was normal so she wasn't too worried. Josh and I aren't big people so a small baby was expected and Josh, working at a hospital, heard about women delivering babies with no fluid at all.  I tried not to be paranoid.  I am not amazed that I still was, especially considering what was about to happen.

The day after Thanksgiving, on the day I turned 26 weeks, Josh and I decided to go get a 3D ultrasound. We still hadn't been able to get a clear look at the gender and my heart felt anxious. I felt like seeing the heartbeat would ease my nerves. We made an appointment for 5:30pm and went about our day. We left for our appointment excited to finally find out if we were expecting a girl or boy. The ultrasound tech had me lay down and after what felt like an eternity of silence she spoke. "I'm not a doctor, but I think you should go to the hospital. I don't see a heartbeat." We ran out the front door. 

The next day, Saturday, November 24th, 2012, our daughter, Evelyn Rose, was born already in heaven. I am amazed that I got to be part of this amazing little miracle. I don't know God's purpose in bringing her to us when He did and then taking her home, but I know she was important. While pain and grief are an obvious reaction, we strive every day to remember our daughter as the gift that she was. I may not know God's purpose but I'm confidant in His plan and His love for us. The grief of our daughter's passing was balanced with the continued anticipation of our adopted child's arrival. We still have another child out there somewhere. Even before Evelyn, I felt like a mother, and after her, I still do, if not more so. I will have the greatest compassion for our future birth mom on the day our child is born. I have felt the pain of leaving the hospital without your baby. The woman who chooses us can rest assured though, her baby will be coming home with a family who will love them beyond comparison. We will do everything in our power to give her child a full, happy, and complete life. Her child is expected, planned for, and wanted more than words can say.

Evelyn Rose