We've Moved!

We've moved to a bigger site! The fun continues here: www.arrowsandapplesauce.com

New Ways to Follow Along

A few of my links haven't worked in awhile and I'm just now getting around to updating a few details. You may have noticed (if you're OCD like me)  that my domain name finally matches to title of my blog. Yay! The same with my Facebook page, Twitter account, and Pinterest page. But wait! There's more! In addition to those classic social media favorites you can now my blog with Bloglovin AND I have added an Instagram account. If that wasn't enough, you may have noticed a new button on my side bar. I'm an Etsy seller! Homeschool printables and more fun stuff to come. For goodness sake, I'm practically an empire! So pick your favorite platform and keep in touch.

This Is How It Works Today

If I've learned one thing since we became a three-under-four family it's that you've gotta be flexible. I think you learn that on a small scale with your first child, a little more with your second, but with a third you just have to pray that God helps you keep them all alive and just relax.

Three kids under the age of four is a beast all it's own. There's having multiple children, and then there's having multiple children really close in age. Triplets...forget it. Just douse yourself in dry shampoo and coffee, and we'll see you in 5-10 years. Squeaks and Little Dude are 20 months apart. Little Dude and Flash are 21 months apart. And four years ago I thought I was barren. Ha!

This is a life I dreamed about, prayed for, wanted so badly that I cried myself to sleep on more than one occasion. I'm going to be honest with you (which is a phrase I rarely use because it makes me think "well, aren't you honest all the time!?") it is everything I hoped for and a million times harder than I could have ever known. Any soon to be moms out there looking for articles to read about what its like to have kids close in age or more than one or two kids, just stop looking. I could give you a description of my day, try to compare one vs. two vs. three but the truth is it's different everyday.

Because of California's wonderful FMLA (family medical leave act) Josh was able to be home with us for seven awesome weeks after Flash's birth. After that I had to figure out how to function with three kids on my own during the day and keep in mind I'm at a slight loss for digits with which to grasp tiny, crazy fast little people (Little Dude is a major runner. I no longer judge parents who use kid-leashes.) On our first outing with just me and the kids, we went to the library for story time. As anticipated Little Dude and Squeaks went in two opposite directions for most of the trip, and at one point I had to pry a screaming LD off the library computer keyboard, all while wearing my six-week old, but we did it! Every day I am thankful that God granted me a mellow third child, because if Flash was a high-maintenance kid...I don't even know. It takes me a solid twenty minutes to get everyone in their car seats and all the necessary kid paraphernalia packed in the car to go somewhere. That doesn't include the time it takes to get them all dressed, and presentable to be seen in public. Add another hour for that. The logistics of getting three small children out of the car by myself, in a busy parking lot, is a little mind-boggling sometimes. 

From our first outing to the library. Just me and the kids.

  

I use to imagine how I'd parent. There would be lots of cuddles. My kids would have manners. I would be a patient and understanding mother. My kids would be good listeners, never scream in public. I would never give my kid my phone to distract them. And of course, my house would be clean because I'd be a stay-at-home mom, just clean while they play!

Isn't she lovely!

Well, there are lots of cuddles, even if the small one being cuddled refuses. "You're being cuddled darn it! Give in! LOVE ME!" But really, all three are world class cuddlers. The rest of that list is hit or miss. Except for the clean house, that's just laughable. There are days where nothing seems to go as planned, so I am slowly but surely being broken of my need to plan. The phrase that has helped me more than any other, the one that plays through my head multiple times a day is "This is how it works today." When I need to let one kid watch Minions for the millionth time so I can get another kid to sleep or wear Flash in my Tula for his afternoon "nap". When my lunch consists of whatever was left on my kids plates after their lunch. When Flash has to stay in his swing a little longer than I'd like because Little Dude decorated an armchair with a bottle of lotion. When I let my older two dig holes all over the backyard and spread the sand from their sand table across the patio because it's giving me time to do the dishes and hey, they're happy. On those days I say "This is how it works today." and my blood pressure goes down. God has blessed me beyond measure. He has given me the exact kids I was meant to have and I am the mom He wanted them to have. Every day these three small people surprise me, make me laugh, and challenge my heart to contain the explosive force of my love for them. Every day looks different from the last. Every day could end with a long list of things I wish I could have done differently. But I am living the life I prayed for and I wouldn't change a thing... Well, I'd like to sleep more. Other than that, not a thing.

My car is slowly being swallowed by kid "stuff".

Painting rocks (and himself) on the back patio.

"Look what I can do!" -God

God has the best sense of humor! Here I am. The woman who thought she'd never be able to experience pregnancy, who forced herself (and her poor husband) through years of fertility treatments to no avail...pregnant....AGAIN! This is a huge surprise. Although I guess it shouldn't be. We thought Evelyn and Little Dude were one time miracles. Little Dude for sure. This is now my third pregnancy. Apparently the fertility doctors were really wrong.

I noticed a few symptoms over a couple days but I was so sure it was something else. A cold...something. Then on October 13th (exactly one month after LD's first birthday) I couldn't get it out of my head that I should take a pregnancy test. After I put the kids down for their afternoon naps, I dug through the very back of the bathroom cabinets and finally found the other test from the box I bought last go-round. I double checked the expiration date and a few minutes later there were those two pink lines. Pretty sure I sat there, in my bathroom, in total shock for at least fifteen minutes just staring at the test. 

After the kids woke up I didn't have much time to dwell on the fact that I am pregnant. A fact I suspect will be a theme until I actually go into labor.. I did have enough time though to decide I wanted Squeaks to "tell" Josh. She's only two (three in January!!) so she doesn't really understand, but I thought it would be sweet, and maybe lighten the blow a bit for Josh. Ha!

Once Josh was home I waited for him to go to our bedroom and I pulled Squeaks aside. I handed her the positive pregnancy test, taped closed in case she decided to have a "hey-what's-this!?" moment, and told her to take it to daddy and yell "surprise!". She loves surprises so her face lit up and she immediately ran toward the bedroom. I had to run to keep up with her so I could see his face. I kind of wish I had filmed it. Priceless. He couldn't stop saying "you're joking, right?!" I had to tell him at least three times it was real. 

The shock dissipated ever so slightly and we both reassured the other that we were excited and happy, then immediately started discussing things like where he or she will sleep since we're out of bedrooms. We're probably going to have to get a new car. A third car seat just won't fit in our current car (that we bought when we were expecting LD. Ugh!). Then we both realized we will get to tell our families at Thanksgiving! On Evelyn's birthday!! I. Can. NOT. Wait!!! (Wrote this awhile ago. We told family yesterday! It was awesome. Post coming soon.)

While this is unexpected to say the least, it was by no means a mistake. Unplanned, for sure, but 100% meant to be. Every child is a gift from God! It totally blows me away that He is giving me another turn. Another blessing. Another life. I am so blessed!!

Over the next nine months, I would appreciate your prayers. Evelyn left uncertainty and fear burned into me, along with gratitude and love of course, but fear is winning right now. I don't want fear to win. I started my pregnancy with Little Dude determined to celebrate and enjoy every moment and this time will be no different. Pray for strength, wisdom, and peace. Let's do this!

Can't wait to meet our little tiebreaker!

Grandparents Day

I have no doubt in my mind that my kids have the best grandparents in the world. Go ahead, challenge me. I dare you. 

Now that truth has been established, I can begin to properly brag. 

While my parents and Josh's parents have extremely different grandparenting styles, both are equally loved, needed, and effective. 

My parents have a laid-back mellow vibe, preferring music, conversation, arts and crafts, and theological foundation-laying. I value their contributions to our kids' growth. I can count on them to be both engaging and effective in their interactions with our kids. In a way I feel their time spent together is a kind of training. Not to say my parents aren't fun because they most definitely are. We all had a blast together in Tahoe in July and Gaga gives one heck of a "horsey ride" (Gaga being the horsey as Squeaks spurs her on). And just like her book-lovin' mamma, Squeaks can count on Gaga to read endless numbers of stories. I think though my parents would describe themselves as more future-focused. I love that they encourage character-building. They help me focus on my children as more than tiny humans, but as contributing members of our society. The day my mom, Squeaks, and I can sit and discuss C.S. Lewis or textual criticism will be a happy one. With the way Squeaks soaks up information I doubt it will be too long. 

My in-laws have an embrace-the-moment, Disneylandesque vibe to their grandparenting style. They fill my kids' childhood with play and adventure. I can count on them for random trips to the store where handfuls of books and knickknacks are purchased because they were at Squeaks' eye level. They are unfailingly generous and supportive. They keep our wishes at heart (no sugar, as little TV as possible, manners always necessary) and are still able to make "Nana and Papa's house" a magical place. Because I am my parents' child, the "play and pretend" style of my in-laws reminds me to play and pretend too. A necessity. This is not to say my in-laws are all fun and no structure. I know they will never steer my children down the wrong path. Prayers are said, Bible stories are read, and the blessing of wisdom is imparted. When all is said and done, it's an awesome thing to watch a grown woman in her fifties lay on the living room floor and make faces with my eleven-month old or silly sounds with my two year old. 

Very different styles, both absolutely needed. They are two halves to our grandparenting whole. Valued and loved. I have no doubt in my mind that any one of them would do anything for our kids. ANYTHING! We are blessed.

Squeaks held by Papa, Nana, Nana Sue (great-grandma), Little Dude held by Gaga, and Grampy

Some Of What I'd Like To Say

Should I start this blog post like every blogger who has been absent from the blogosphere does?...I've just been so busy, life is so crazy, I've started a new post like five times...yada yada...there, I did it.

I have a cuddly, sweet, wiggly six month old who has waged war on sleep, and a silly, stubborn, amazingly smart toddler deep in the trenches of all that is two-years-old (yep that happened!). In the past six months there have been multiple times when I have looked back on the previous weeks and could count on one hand the number of times I got a chance to brush my hair, brush my teeth, or pee without an audience. Forget about showering. Dry shampoo is my friend.

Though my brain is mush from lack of sleep, my eyes heavy and tired I can also look back on these past six months and see beautiful moments, days filled with growth, grace, and hope. There is a lot I'd like to say about having a "difficult" baby (this is what the internet calls him). He is so much more than colic, gas, eczema, and reflux though. As we are slowly coming out of this fog of new-born-ness, I feel slightly ashamed about how I've focused on "fixing" his issues rather than enjoying his growth. How long did I pray to be pregnant?! PLUS to get a son!!!! I never lost sight of how miraculous our daughter's entry into our family was, but I feel like, for a little while, I forgot just how miraculous our son is. I plan to do better.

We've hit fun milestones since I last posted. It's going to be difficult to share as much as I'd like just cause...kids, tired, time. I will do my best though.

Squeaks turned TWO at the beginning of January! It was a fantastically bee bedecked blast. Our little bee enthusiast enjoyed family time, a mountain of gifts, and snow dumped in our driveway out of uncle's truck. It was a lovely day.

Playing with snow like true Californians. Dumped in the driveway out of the back of a pick-up. She loved it!!

She's just so beautiful.

Squeaks also graduated from a toddler bed into a twin big-girl bed, and from her highchair into a booster seat at the table. She puts herself to sleep now which is amazing! After a bed time story, a few minutes of cuddling, and prayers, her tiny voice chirps "nigh-night" and waves us out the door. Some nights it takes her awhile to actually fall asleep but she does eventually drift off on her own without a fuss. Switching her to the booster was perfect timing as Little Dude has taken over the highchair.

Squeaks enjoying lunch in her big girl chair. Peas are actually one of her favorite foods! Go for it kid!!

Big girl bed!!!!

Mini Man, all smiles keeping me company in the kitchen.

I love this age where she's making friends and actually playing rather than just sitting there staring at each other like kids do before developing social skills. She's so smart! Getting so good at recognizing colors, counting, and she says a new word or sentence or phrase every day. Learning, learning, learning. She eats through books like nobodies business. We read all the time. I even recently became an Usborne consultant so that I could keep her library fresh (and because I have soooo much free time). Being part of this business is going to be great when we start homeschooling.
  Squeaks playing with her "I Can Count" book.

My future doctor "reading" in her chair. ("Questions and Answers About Your Body")

Our little mini-man is growing like a weed. Sitting up on his own, babbling away. Poor kid just can't seem to kick his baby eczema but colic has definitely subsided. He turned six months old this past weekend (and I turned 31! Whaaaa?!) and is seconds away from crawling. This kid wants to move crazy bad. I think he'll move to walking way before he turns one. Either that or just go straight to running...and then college...full speed ahead!! This kid has the most determined personality. He's unstoppable!!
Trying so hard to crawl!!

Just way too fast...
As I said, so much more to say, but...

And Then There Were Four

He's here and he's perfect!!

Our sweet little man. Born Sunday, September 13th, at 9:06am. 6lbs 13oz 19.5"long. Looks just like his daddy! Read his birth story here.

One Short Of A Decade

Josh and I celebrated nine years of marriage yesterday! Sentences like "It's been wonderful" or "time flies when you're having fun" just don't fit. The past nine years have definitely had bright spots of wonderful and fun, but a lot of not so wonderful or fun too. This past year blows all previous years out of the water though. We are happy. We are tired. We are stronger. We are smarter. We are more patient. We are a family of FOUR! 

Holy cow this man drives me crazy! Absolutely batty, up the wall, mad! And I totally and completely love him for it. How boring would life be without someone to push you, stretch you, and pull you in (usually) the right direction. When he reads this, he's gonna ask "what do you mean usually?!" My sweet husband is all-knowing, and so I push his him too. *wink

Geez louise I love this man! Heart aching, toe curling love! It makes me speechless that he loves me back. Being parents changes how you see your spouse. Before kids we relied on each other for support, guidance, respect, and comfort. Now there is a little girl looking at us, watching how we communicate, how we give support. A little girl who will learn respect and feel comfort in our home. The way he cares for her grows my love for him. 

Things are about to get even more fun and crazy as our son is due in about two months. I have absolutely no reservations about Josh teaching and guiding our son because Josh is the kind of man I want our son to be. Just as he has done with our daughter, Josh will show our son Godly character, love, and wisdom. I could not ask for a better partner. 

I'm looking to forward to the rest of our lives together, come what may.

Our wedding day nine years ago. Just kids. I had just tuned 21 and neither of us knew what was ahead of us. So glad to have him with me through it all.

My wonderful husband brought me a bouquet of daisies (our wedding flowers) and took me out for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. We kept things simple as kids and the recent purchase of a new car have stretched the bank. But really, I prefer simple. I love simple. Simple is my zone.

Squeaks spent the evening at Grammy's house. We loved getting text messages and pictures of their crafty activities, even at our anniversary dinner. Even when they aren't with you, your kids happiness and well-being is on your heart. I get it mom. Thank you.

Thank God For Real Men

The men in my life are high quality. Top shelf. Stuffed-animal-cuddling, nursery-rhyme-singing, baby-nose-wiping, manly men. What an awesome gift from God, to watch my daughter be loved by a group of men...not just one, but a whole group... 

My husband is never sexier than when he's crawling around on the floor tickling our daughter, sing to her, feeding her, holding her hand to pray, reading to her. Being Daddy. Real men sit in tiny pink chairs, kiss dolls held by their daughters tiny hands, and cut dinner into tiny pieces for tiny mouths. Thank you God for giving me a real man. Thank you God my daughter will always be loved by a real man. Thank you God that my son will learn from a real man. 

I have never questioned the love my dad has for me. He's sturdy. He's gentle. He's funny. I couldn't be happier that he married my mom. Seriously, I remember wanting to go on their honeymoon with them (I was only seven)! He gives me confidence. He makes me feel safe; at home. A hug from him is so soothing I can literally feel my heart rate slow down. Thank you God that my dad loves my mom. Thank you God that he set the bar high for my future husband. Thank you God that my dad's love is so familiar it practically runs through my veins.  

My father in law is not a loud man, but his role in his family leaves ripples like a boom of thunder. His love for his son has rippled into the love his son shows. His love for our children will ripple into their futures. Thank you God that my husband was raised by a real man. Thank you God that his love is quietly loud. 

Psalm says children are like arrows in the hands of warriors. These men will hold my children safe in the quiver, hold them firm to the word of God, point them straight, and release them to make a lasting impact on the world. Thank you God.

Real men also drink from matching father-daughter Mike Wazowski cups.

Excitingly Uneventful

I have a huge, exciting, wonderful update for you....NOTHING!

Absolutely nothing is going on right now! It has been nearly a month since I posted and nothing has happened. Boring?! Heck no! Do you know how long I waited for nothing life-altering, emotional, stressful, etc. to be happening? A looonnnggg time. We are living a blissfully normal, quiet, calm life.

Squeaks continues to grow happy and healthy. We started taking her to a kind of Gymboree-esk class every week. Her enjoyment of it comes and goes, but I think we'll stick with it. They focus on building and improving fine motor skills, social skills, strength, balance and the like. It's nice for her and I to get out of the house together and do something other than errands, and I think it'll be a nice alternative to the park on those hundred-degree California summer days. 

Our little boy kicks and kicks. Experiencing a healthy pregnancy is still very surreal and, as I look back, makes me realize just how different my pregnancy with Evelyn was. In fact, little dude, is growing so well, I'm not really considered high risk any more. We've started work on his room and planning a shower. I'll share most of the details on those events on my other blog though.

Speaking of blogging. This two separate blogs thing has been on my mind. While I feel it's appropriate since I'm treating my other blog specifically as a pregnancy blog right now, I don't want to separate them so much in the future. It feels like each kid has their own blog. Weird. So, I think after little dude's arrival in September, plans will be underway for a new family blog. Don't know what that will look like yet, but it'll be awesome of course.

And so, we live on. A life I never imagined would be this good. God has blessed our whole family and we have so many happy things to look forward to. Josh's younger sister is getting married (in September!) and so that brings party planning and excitement. We have a cousin getting married in September (!!), a cousin getting married in June, and a cousin graduating high school. Life is full, and not just with big stuff. It's the small everyday stuff that adds so much joy too. I enjoy watching Squeaks grown and learn everyday. Talking is starting! (Maybe that should be another post. It's too exciting.) I'm helping a friend redecorate her daughter's room. Josh and my mom will be starting BSF with me (in September!). I continue to volunteer with a local pregnancy center. Josh and I celebrate nine years of marriage in July. We go to Disneyland as often as possible. Seriously, life right now, compared to what it was just a few short years ago.... speechless. Is it the calm after the storm or the calm before another storm? Only God knows, but He will watch over us, provide for us, and love us no matter what.

One of my favorite pictures from mother's day this year. Isn't she just the best!?

Knock Me Over With A Feather

I'm about to type something I never thought I'd type again.

I'm pregnant!

Before I start explaining, I want to make something clear. This blog is not going to turn into a pregnancy blog. I promise. I remember when we were in our wait, I was reading a blog by another hopeful adoptive mom who unexpectedly became pregnant and I immediately had no desire to continue reading her blog. Infertility is not something I take lightly and I do NOT want to step on tender hearts.

I have, however, decided to celebrate this pregnancy as much as I can. That must sound strange to the average person. "Why wouldn't she celebrate a pregnancy?!" Because I'm painfully aware of what could go "wrong". Stillbirth is not something you get over. Ever. The pain fades, but you never forget the experience. So, to chronicle my attempts to look past my fear and trust God (as if He has ever let me down. Oh, Kristen of little faith.) I have started another blog in addition to this one. Follow along if you'd like. Fair warning though, this pregnancy will probably still be mentioned here and there on this blog, because it is part of our lives obviously. I would still like to keep my focus here on adoption.

 When you've experienced trial after trial for as long as we have it's easy to expect more of the same. We know God loves us. We do not doubt His power, grace, or sovereignty. We feel unspeakably blessed to get another chance at a healthy pregnancy. Although it has been said by our doctor that, since Evelyn's passing was undiagnosed, the chances of another loss are present, we remain very optimistic. God is bigger than medicine. Just the fact that I am pregnant again is a miracle! 

So there you have it. Intermission explained. Now go forth, and be gobsmacked at the incredible unpredictability, generosity, and power of God. 

Shock doesn't even begin to describe it.

Where Has It Gone?

Time, that is. Where has the time gone?! It feels like 2014 lasted about five minutes. I am not nearly as eager to say goodbye to this year as I was last year. Everything we did this year was a first for us, because we experienced everything as new parents. Everything from holidays, like fourth of July and Christmas, to the small stuff, like finding time to shower, it was all new. Parenthood literally changes every single aspect of your life. The way you eat. "Can/will Squeaks eat this too, or should I cook something else for dinner?" The way you manage time. "Is she going to sleep long enough for me to finish this blog post and still have time to fold laundry?" The way you view the world. "You sneeze near my kid, I'll kick you in the shin." Everything changes. It has been awesome and continues to be awesome, and challenging, and fun, and frustrating, and....awesome. I look forward to 2015 being just as, if not more, awesome. We have a few big things coming up. Squeaks' first birthday is less than two weeks away. Our finalization in court should take place in the next few months (finally!). And a few more surprises around the corner. God is the master of surprises. I look forward to writing about it all!

I enjoyed reviewing our year via photo last year, so here we go again. Although, there is most definitely a theme on my Instagram feed these days.

January. Our beautiful daughter was born!

February. We enjoyed time together, and Josh got to take six weeks off work!

March. I turned 29 and Squeaks continued to grow at the speed of light.

April. We celebrated Squeaks' first Easter and the search for breast milk donors continued.

May. I celebrated my second first Mother's Day, and we celebrated the awesome moms who raised Josh and I.

June. We celebrated all the big strong men in our lives, spent lots of time outside, and celebrated Josh's mom's 50th birthday with an 80's theme party.

July. Squeaks first fourth of July! Lots of swimming, family, and Disneyland. We also celebrated 8 years of marriage, but forgot to photograph it. lol!

August. More swimming, exploring the world, and movie nights at church.

September. Our first family road trip to Santa Rosa/San Fransisco. And, of course, more Disneyland!

October. Josh's 31st birthday, the pumpkin patch, and Squeaks' first Halloween.

November. We celebrated my mom's 55th birthday, Evelyn's second birthday, and Squeaks' first Thanksgiving. Lots to be thankful for!

December. Squeak's first Christmas and the end to a truly blessed year!

Dear Sweet Daughter Of Mine,

I felt an overwhelming need to put my love for you into writing tonight. So here I am at 11:30pm, incredibly tired, typing away on my iPad. You've been asleep for the past few hours and 

I miss you. So much so that I look at pictures of you and feel a longing even though you're in the next room. Do you know how much you're loved? 

Today was no different than the majority of our days. We both stayed in our pjs till about 2pm. You "helped" me fold laundry. You laughed as you dropped half your lunch on the floor for the dogs. I laughed as you smeared the other half across your face. We spent some time outside enjoying the sunshine. You got mad at me for wiping your nose for the hundredth time and payed me back by finishing the job on the shoulder of my shirt. You followed Ruby (our chihuahua/corgi) from room to room and got covered in dog hair crawling into her bed with her. Daddy gave you a bubble bath and we all spent time cuddling stuffed animals on the living room floor.

Now you're sleeping and tomorrow we'll do it again. But every day you change. You grow. It seems like every time you wake up you're bigger. I can almost see your mind developing. You watch me so closely. Today I showed you how I roll my tongue and you were amazed. I watched you put your hand to your mouth thoughtfully then place your fingers gently on my lips inspecting the way my mouth moved. Daddy started singing at dinner (which is not unusual) and you started dancing! You bounced up and down in your high chair and laughed. Then we laughed. And then we all danced. We read "Hello Duck" and you turned the pages, pointing at the duck, and the flowers, and the bees. I said "all done" and you picked it up to turn the pages again. 

You had your first cold last week. It made me long for the day when you can tell me what hurts, but savor this day where holding you in my arms comforts you. We all slept the least we have since you've been home. You woke up a lot in the night and mommy started to get just a tad cranky. Being your mom makes it all worth it. However, just for future reference, I would like to thank you for being a good sleeper the majority of the time.

 I don't want to forget anything, even the hard stuff. Grammy and Grampy reminisced about raising your Uncle Jacob (9 years younger than me) but couldn't remember much of the sleepless days. This is why I'm thankful for technology. We can go back, read, and remember. I want to remember. When you ask me to tell you about when you were a baby, I want to tell you as much as I can. I want to tell you that we waved to dad every morning as he went to work and you squealed, smiled, and reached for him every time he came home. I want to tell you that you loved being pushed in your swing on our back porch. That you loved green beans and avocado. That you would hold your stuffed animals by their tails, one in each hand, and swing them around like nunchucks. I'll tell you that you would pull my hair really hard, but I would wear it down anyway because playing with it helped you fall asleep. I want to tell you everything.

But most of all sweet daughter of mine, I want to tell you how much you're loved.

Poor baby not feeling good.

Staying Focused

I got some not so great news recently. I've been diagnosed with endometriosis. Ugh. Apparently it's a fairly common diagnosis, especially for women in the U.S. Americans tend to eat a lot of hormone-laden red meat, dairy products, and pesticides (although there is no real known cause, poor diet definitely contributes).  I can't remember the last time I had cow's milk though (we drink almond milk). Plus, we eat red meat maybe once a week (and it's always organic grass fed), and I steer clear of the dirty dozen. I guess I'm just lucky. My doctor did laparoscopic surgery to remove what she could find (but it will grow back), and after doing some research (here's one helpful site), I've decided to cut out dairy, wheat, and gluten as much as I can to try and manage it. It can't hurt to be a little more healthy.

The part that really bites though is that this might have contributed to Evelyn's passing because endometriosis is toxic to a fertilized egg. When my doctor told me this, it brought back a rush of emotions I had worked hard to overcome. My first thought was "I poisoned my child with my own body!" My second thought was hatred for the sin and brokenness of this world. And then God lead me back to gratefulness. Gratefulness to experience pregnancy at all. I mean really!? First, diminished ovarian reserve, and then endometriosis on top of that!? It's a miracle Evelyn was ever in existence. What a gracious gift God gave me! Grateful for the amazing job my husband has that comes with health-care benefits so that I could find out why I had been experiencing so much pain every month. Grateful for the daughter I had waiting for me when I got home. Grateful for the miracle of adoption.

So on the way home from the doctor's office I stopped at Babies-R-Us. I walked into the store I had dreaded just one year ago. I walked passed the newborn section, passed the six-month section, and purchased a pair of size twelve-month pajamas for my daughter. My daughter who is healthy, beautiful, smart, and growing like a weed. Just because I can. Because I am a mom.

I must stay focused on the blessings. God makes such beautiful stories out of our trials. My body doesn't work "normally", but I still get to have this awesome life with an amazing little girl who was hand picked by God and her birth parents to call me "momma". Sometimes I feel like anyone can give birth, anyone can have the basic my-mom-went-into-labour-and-24-hours-later-I-was-born story. Not just anyone gets to have my story and Squeaks' story. It's rich, interesting, and beautiful.

Answering My Own Question

I promised I would answer the question I posed for this month's Adoption Love Link-Up. Since it restarts soon, I need to get to it! So many of you wrote such thoughtful responses. I love the variety! Every blogger had a different take on the question. I'll share links to all of them when I post the new monthly link-up topic in just a few days! 

This month's question:

How, if at all, has adoption changed your view of humanity (for good or bad)?

I believe adoption has made me more compassionate and frankly...for lack of a better word...curious toward humanity. 

I'm a natural born people-watcher. Places like malls, parks, restaurants are all fair game for some professional style people watchin'. Disneyland is people-watching paradise! Don't get all creeped out though. I don't follow anyone or stare, no using binoculars, nothing weird. Just a general observation of human kind. While I watch, I imagine their story. What have they experienced? What trials have they faced? What made them choose that outfit? (Just kidding. Kinda.)

When we chose to adopt, I found myself observing families more than just individuals. Wondering how they grew (through adoption or biologically), thinking about how they bond, watching parents interact with their children. I'd see a pregnant woman and wonder how she felt about the life growing inside her. If she looked particularly tired, had she gotten bad news about her unborn child's health? Was she facing single-parenthood? Was she considering adoption? Had she been blessed with an active little one who enjoyed dancing on her bladder at all hours? 

After Evelyn went home, on my first ventures out into public I'm sure I looked like death warmed up. I didn't bother wearing makeup because I'd most likely cry it off. I was still physically recovering and hadn't lost my baby bump entirely. I felt thoroughly miserable and antisocial. One particularly chipper cashier at the grocery store could not take a hint and I ended up literally ignoring his many, many questions and attempts to get me to smile. Now, when I see a mom who looks unkempt, a woman gripping her husband's hand, both of them looking stressed, an expectant mom who looks less than thrilled with her glow, I wonder. And I pray. What trial are they facing and are they facing it armed with the grace of God and the hope He offers? "Please God, give them strength, give them joy, let them feel your love. Surround them with support. Let them have faith in your perfect timing and plan." I know, realistically, they may just be tired...or have gas...or something way less dramatic than 

I'm imagining. But who couldn't use a little prayer? Humanity needs as much prayer as it can get.

 Look for next month's link-up topic question coming soon!