I became determined

Josh and I had been married a little over two years when we decided it was time to start a family. I remember the conversation vividly. We were on our way home from dinner with my parents for my mom's birthday. We were almost home when I turned to Josh and asked "Do you think we're ready to have a baby?" His response was "sure!" That was the extent of it. From then on, I did what I always do when I set my mind to something, I became determined. I researched the heck out of getting pregnant, although I had no reason to think it would be difficult, I just wanted to know everything I could. A year later, no baby, so I made an appointment for Josh and I to meet with the fertility specialist at the hospital where Josh works. After tons of tests and exams, the doctor told us we were both healthy and that some people just need a little extra boost. So I started taking low doses of different fertility medications and gradually increasing the amounts each month. Each month I would push myself and the limits of my body further but I kept thinking we couldn't possibly need invetro fertilization (IVF). The side effects of those medications are just awful! Poor Josh! I'm sure I was a raving lunatic on more than one occasion. My hormones were going crazy. I pushed and pushed and by the end of the year we had done at least five IUIs (intrauterine inseminations), spent thousands of dollars on medication, and still had no baby. IVF it was. What a miserable experience. I've heard IVF compared to cancer treatment and (although I've never had cancer) I wouldn't be surprised if that was an accurate statement. All the blood tests and multiple injections a day plus multiple pills a day. You lose all sense of privacy about your body. Constant supervision and invasion of personal space. I pushed myself though. By the time we were ready, after all the meds and tests, I had only produced eight eggs. Someone my age should have made at least 20-30 on the doses of medication I was taking. After fertilization only two of the eggs survived for implantation. All our hopes were on those two little eggs. Two weeks later and two days before Christmas we got the results that I was not pregnant. 

Because I had produced so few eggs, more tests were ordered. I was diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve. In other words I produced eggs like a woman in her early 40s (at the time I was 26). I couldn't let it go though and again I became determined. I researched alternative medicine. There had to be a way to fix this. I began seeing an acupuncturist once a week, eating more organic foods, and taking fertility enhancing herbal supplements. After about nine months on this routine and still no baby, my acupuncturist suggested I go have my hormone levels checked again to see if they had improved. A month later the results were in and instead of improving they had declined. I was done. I got off the phone with the doctor and collected everything in the house related to our fertility treatments, every book on getting pregnant, everything! I piled it all on the kitchen island, took a picture, and threw it away. That was a hard day, I cried and prayed a lot.

Say goodbye fertility treatments!

Again I became determined. It didn't take long for me to decide on adoption. It was clear to me that God had closed the door on pregnancy. He had closed it, locked it, and wedged a chair under the knob. I was ready to start the process right then. Josh took a little longer though. We prayed and prayed together and he was still feeling uneasy. He was having trouble letting the idea of a biological child go. We were still so young and adoption felt so big. A few months later, Josh was visited by his dad at work. Josh's dad adopted him when he married Josh's mom. This is not an ordinary thing for his dad to visit unannounced in the middle of the day. We had not discussed adoption with his parents yet but when his dad came to visit that day he told Josh how happy he was to be his dad and how grateful he was to be part of Josh's life. This put some things in perspective. Josh has always said he doesn't see his dad as his step-dad or anything less than his "real" father. If Josh could have such a strong loving relationship with his adoptive father, why couldn't he have the same relationship with his own adopted child?

We became determined.