Not Crazy

I've gone back and forth on writing a blog post about this ever since our adoption shower. I had decided to tell this story at our shower because I knew my audience, friends and family, and 

I knew they wouldn't have me committed. At least I was fairly sure. I share it with you now because it's a huge part of Squeaks' story. It's also a big conformation of God's power and His love for me. Frankly, I believe it's a miracle and people can't see enough miracles. God's power should be shared.

If you've followed our blog you know that when my milk came in after Evelyn's passing, I decided to pump it and save it for our adopted child. I didn't know when God would bring our child home, but I couldn't imagine letting this opportunity pass. It was difficult. I pumped a lot, as if feeding a child. It was very emotional for me. I grew attached to the process. I know that sounds weird, attached to pumping breast milk, but I did. It felt like a connection to Evelyn and, at the same time, a connection to our future child. I was somehow actively loving both of them. Maybe other mothers will understand. I would have pumped until I couldn't anymore. I was determined.

It was seven days before Good Friday last year. March 22nd, just before midnight. Josh and I were getting into bed and I decided to pump one more time. As I sat there on our bed in the dark, pumping while Josh tried to sleep next to me, I heard Him. Not audibly, but "heard" is the only word I can think of. It was  like a punch in the chest but slower. Abrupt but gentle. Heavy and deep. 

"Stop pumping and I will give you a child in seven days."

These were not my own thoughts. My heart raced. I felt light headed. It repeated in my head over and over. "Do I stop pumping right now? Yes." I stopped. Apparently, I told Josh right away. He says he remembers how strange I looked, but I don't remember talking about it until the next morning. I do remember that he believed me. If anyone would have confidence in my sanity I would hope it would be him. It was a relief. He was excited with me.

It took me a while to get to sleep. I kept imagining what would happen in seven days. I immediately believed what He said. God had told me this. Yes, I heard God's voice. I know what you're thinking cause I use to think the same thing when people said they heard God. "Come on. Really? You must be smokin' your socks." Don't get me wrong, I believe God speaks to people, through the Bible, through other people, but not a direct line. This was like nothing I'd ever felt though.

 I debated whether or not I would tell my mom, which is nuts, and proof of how crazy I felt, cause I pretty much tell my mom everything. She called me that morning though, and immediately could tell something was on my mind. When I told her, she believed me too. Two for two. I felt even more confident. As I did the math I realized seven days from then was Good Friday. This seamed even more providential when I remembered we lost Evelyn on Black Friday. I know Black Friday is a man made shopping "holiday" but when you think about it the days seem directly opposite one another. A day of sacrifice and love versus a day of materialism and self gratification. It was further conformation for me that God's timing was perfect. 

I told no one else. The week passed and life continued. My mom and I agreed I wouldn't call her on Friday unless something happened. I was envisioning getting "the call". We would be matched, chosen, or even, maybe, the baby had been born and we were instant parents! But seven days later, Good Friday, March 29th came and went and there was no visible outcome or explanation for what I had heard. It was difficult for me to accept. I know what I heard. I know Who I heard. I'm no flake. I don't convince myself of signs or follow my "feelings". I know better than to put words in God's mouth. I was convinced though! I discussed it with Josh and my mom multiple times. We rolled over possibilities. Maybe He wanted me to stop pumping and my deep desire for children added the "seven days" part? No, I wanted kids but I wasn't so desperate that I would hallucinate a message from God. Maybe I subconsciously didn't want to pump anymore. No, like I said, I was attached and determined. I had only pumped for four months. I wasn't done. Maybe I was grief stricken and tired after loosing Evelyn? Again, no, this happened. Yes, I was still grieving, but if anything that was only further proof of what I heard. Evelyn was still in my head, in my thoughts, heavy on my heart. I was waiting for our adopted child, but having them in seven days!? I needed to catch my breath. Plus, frankly, I had been mad at God after loosing Evelyn. We were not on speaking terms at the moment. I felt very far from Him and He had felt very silent in my life the past few months. So, after much deliberation, I still believed what He had said. This was not just me. We didn't see the outcome but something had happened on Good Friday 2013. 

"What I heard" would come up in conversation over the next year. I decided to share it with three more people. People strong in their faith and conviction. People I love and trusted. People who wouldn't lock me in a padded room. All of them believed me and all of them agreed that something unseen had happened. 

Fast forward to January 9th 2014, the day after Squeaks' birth. Josh and I are on our way to the hospital to meet her birth parents and our daughter. It suddenly occurs to me that I should type the date for Good Friday 2013 into a due date calculator and see how close we are. I hadn't ever thought to do that before. I Googled one on my phone and typed in March 29th 2013. 

"Your baby is due January 3rd, 2014." Squeaks was born January 8th, 2014.

My heart raced again and, at that moment, a year's worth of questioning my sanity ended. She had existed! No one knew but God, but she had existed on Good Friday 2013. She was ours from the second the biological properties needed for her to form were created. She was ours even before that. God knew her, knew when she would be here, knew when we would meet her. He knew.

“Before I formed you in your mother’s womb I chose you. Before you were born I set you apart. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5