The Way It Is

Adoption doesn't cure infertility. I still live in my body. These days, there's generally another little body hanging off mine via sling, or wrap, or good old fashioned hip-sittin'. While Squeaks has changed my heart and enriched my life beyond anything I could have imagined, my body remains the same. Fertilely challenged. 

I'm not complaining. God used my infertility to open my heart to adoption. I would have complained in the past, before Squeaks, but I'm not now. I am simply reminded of the fact once in awhile, I feel a slight twinge deep down, and then push past it. I bring it up now because, wait for it.... I want more kids. Squeaks is so awesome, I want ten of her! It's no secret I want a big family. But it's just not an easy thing for us. That's just the way it is.

The phrase that prompted this post has been on my mind since an innocent unknowing soul uttered it weeks ago. He didn't know Squeaks was adopted, didn't know about our years of fertility treatments and failed IVF, didn't know about our Evelyn waiting for us in Heaven. So as he said "When you guys decide to have more children...", he just didn't know what that would entail. Not that he should have, my mind has just been chewing on it. The average person can say "Let's try for more kids!" and head happily to the bedroom with their husband or wife. For us though (more specifically me) it would take serious medical intervention, possibly donor eggs, mass quantities of meds, lots of money, and/or an act of God. I am not discounting an act of God, but 

I'm also not counting on it. Hopeful but realistic. So adopting again it is! Hold on, before everyone gets worked up, this isn't any kind of announcement. This is an "eventually" kind of thing. Cause, you know what? I've learned something. Wanting to adopt is not the same thing as being called to adopt. We were called to adopt and it is obvious to us now that God meant for Squeaks to be ours all along. Adoption isn't a cure. It's not a fix. My heart still wants to experience a healthy pregnancy and 

I think that's normal for most woman. Squeaks didn't fix my body.

I am a driven person. I use to be determined to get pregnant, then I was determined to adopt. It's been nice the past seven months to switch from "I want to be a mom! I NEED to be a mom! Baby, baby, BABY!! GIVE ME A BABY!!!" to "I'm Squeaks' MOM!!!!" *insert teary-eyed, joy filled grin here*. Not feeling that call, not having that drive feels foreign, but in a very good way. It's as if I've broken a very strong habit. Well, actually, that's exactly what it is. It was a habit to want, want, want. What a relief it is to bask in God's blessings. I need to hold on to this feeling. We will wait and see where God takes us. We will adopt again, when/if God eventually calls us to.

 Showing off her two new teeth!