Monday, December 23, 2013

Motherhood Monday: Blurry

Two days away from celebrating our second Christmas while waiting for our child to come home.

Well...we were hoping to celebrate baby's first Christmas this year. God seems to have other plans. Although, He technically still has two days. An eternity in God-time. This time of year has the potential to make for a perfect storm of emotions. It would have been Evelyn's first Christmas but I'm trying to remember that she's celebrating with the Birthday Boy Himself. Incredible. Can you imagine what heaven would look like during Christmas!? I am determined to celebrate and celebrate well. It's no secret I want to be a mom. Have you ever worked so hard, held so tightly onto a dream that it physically wore you out? I'm there. My grip has been so tight that I have no grip left. I'm emotionally spent. Is this where God wants me? Probably. I was faced with a situation yesterday. I listened to a mother express her love for her son. She talked about how he has been a blessing to her whole family. Softening hearts. Bringing joy. Displaying child like faith. All wonderful and amazing things! Totally worth celebrating! I am SO happy she is blessed! Less than five minutes later I was picking up a memorial poinsettia for my daughter (something our church does during Christmas for loved ones who passed away). Ugh. The thing is, I didn't cry. I think I'm too tired, but almost in a good way. He's worn me down to the point where there's no more me, only Him. Am I making any sense? Instead of crying, all I had left in my emotional storehouse was this: "God is not mean. He understands our pain. He WILL bring us a child." That's all I had left and He got me through it. It was a difficult moment, but it passed, without tears. I finished the day sitting on our couch with my wonderful husband watching "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" by the light of our beautiful Christmas tree while snuggling with my sweet puppies. It was a good day.

Fudge. I hope someone brings some to our family gathering on Christmas Eve.

Thoughts about our child:
Whether you exist in this world yet, or only in our hearts, you are held in your Father's hands. May He bless you with wisdom, discernment, and grace. May He prepare us for you. May He bring you home in His perfect timing.

Thoughts about our expectant mom:
I pray you have a blessed and joy filled Christmas. I pray you are surrounded with love and support. 

This week God:
Blurred the line between me and Him. It's like those magic eye pictures where you have to relax and blur your eyesight to see the hidden picture. Kristen is just the random fuzzy image you see at first, but God is the 3D beautiful image hidden underneath. You get all excited and happy when you finally see it and then it gets easier and easier to see each time you go back to look. I'm hoping, at some point, I'll disappear all together. I want Him, His love, His light, to be seen. I'm just the random fuzziness. 

"For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." -2 Corinthians 4:17-18

Read about why I started Motherhood Mondays here.

Can you see the image underneath? If not go here for the answer. Merry Christmas!

*UPDATE: Josh came home with fudge. He had not read my post. God has blessed me with a good man!


  1. I sensed how difficult that mother's comments were for you. I knew it.....and I couldn't do anything. Her joy touched your heart's desire to say the say about your own child who is not yet here. I am praying for you even as I'm in awe of the place God has brought you to where you're more like Him and less like you. What a hard & worthwhile journey you're on. Does that sound like an oxymoron? It isn't meant to be; it's meant to acknowledge both the difficulties that have nearly broken you into a million pieces and the incredible road you're walking to be more & more Christ-like each day. I'm so stinkin' proud of you, Kristen. My heart overflows tonight with the sheer excitement of what God has in store for you & Josh in His absolute perfect timing.

    1. I truly was happy for her. I just want the same thing so badly!! Thank you for your kind words. *blushing <3

  2. Merry Christmas Kristen! Keeping my fingers crossed and praying that your baby is on its way.

    1. I wholeheartedly with every fiber of my being pray you have a merry Christmas Kristin. I hope you feel God's peace and love, and that He brings your child home soon too.

    2. I love you, Kristen. You are my Special K.

  3. Hi kristen,
    You don't know me, but I'm Xenia and I'm from the Netherlands! After the tv show sixteen and pregnant I was looking for some information about adoption in the usa for a school project. I came across candace her account! Then i saw your account! I have been following you since then! In the Netherlands there aren't many adoption agencies. If I was a birthmom I would really pick you guys, because I think you and your husband will make Great parents! ! I work at a daycare so I love children too! I hope you will celebrate next christmas with your baby :-). I don't know of my writing is very well hahaha :-)
    Byeee!!! (It's morning here already!!)


    1. I could see on my site's traffic feed that some from the Netherlands was following but I didn't know who. Now I do! Thank you so much Xenia for your kind words! Hope you have a merry Christmas!


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