Faded Grief

Yesterday marked one year since Evelyn's due date. In another kind of world we would be celebrating a one year old's birthday. 

Since Squeaks has been home, nothing has changed about how we feel about our first child. Evelyn was and continues to be a blessing. Yes, I miss her. Yes, I wish she was here. But the grief has faded into something closer to gratitude. I am grateful for the six months she was on this earth. I am grateful I got to experience pregnancy. I am grateful for how she prepared us. There were times in the six days between when Squeaks was born and the day she came home where even our agency director looked like she might punch a wall out of anger and frustration. We've been told that those six days are like none other our agency has encountered. I know I haven't shared much about it but they were beyond confusing and difficult. Evelyn's existence and death made us strong and able to endure. Losing her gave me compassion for our birth mom. I've left the hospital without my child. I will strive to reassure our birth mom that her child is beyond loved and cared for. Evelyn is beyond loved and cared for too. By her Heavenly Father. She's passed us by. She's graduated ahead of us. She's been chosen to never experience heartache, stress, grief, and instead to experience eternal love, joy, and peace. Both our daughters are well and both are loved.

Squeaks will know about her sister. She'll know that Evelyn's life made it possible for me to feed her with breast milk. She'll know that we wanted, prayed for, and waited for her, anticipating that she and Evelyn would grow up together. She'll know that Evelyn is in heaven and that someday we will all be together. That's the extent. No need to dwell on grief. Evelyn isn't. Why should we?

Adoption doesn't heal infertility. In hindsight, I'm even grateful for the 14 months of waiting between Evelyn's passing and Squeaks' arrival. I know those of you in the wait would gladly move past it, gladly have it over with. But the wait prepared me, healed me, healed us. It is plainly obvious that Squeaks was meant for us and if she had arrived at any other part of the wait I don't think God's power would have shown so clearly to us. Evelyn came and went just when she was meant to. Squeaks is here now. We are overjoyed to love both our girls.

Four feet. Two different paths. Both loved.