Know whacha do when you assume?
The more reading I do about adoption and the process of adopting the more concerned I become with the fact that I already feel a connection to a woman and child I do not know. Is it wrong to love someone and hope for a specific outcome? It almost feels like it is. I write about our hopes and dreams for our future family with this child that will come from another person. I write about how much I already love this little person without knowing anything about them. A large part of the adoption community, though, seems hell-bent on reminding me this child is not mine and I should feel no attachment until our expectant mom gives us permission. While part of me totally understands that, I struggle a little with it. Should I not want to love a child, any child? Lets take out the adoption part for a second (bare with me). I love my friend's and family member's kids. I do not assume at some point one of them will be given to me, but I still love them. Is loving a child without any limitations or expectations wrong? I don't think so. If I imagine what it's like to be a woman considering adoption, I feel like I would be more inclined to choose a family who already felt a bond with my child. If I came across a family who was so cautious and paranoid that I was going to change my mind and that they shouldn't get their hopes up, I would feel a little patronized. Adoption is not a choice come to lightly. I have confidence that our expectant mom is a smart person. A smart person, able to choose adoption and come to decisions about the future of her child on her own brain power. If I was "scared" to love her child, I would feel like I was undercutting her ability to think and make decisions. I love her child. This in no way means I assume that child is mine. I understand what it feels like to feel your child move inside you and "know" them and have a bond with them before you even see their face. That is a bond between mother and child alone. I take no posession of that bond from another woman and her child. Just because I love and excitedly await the arrival of her child does not mean I think I have a right to her baby. What are my options? One, love that baby, prepare for that child's life, support our expectant mom, and hope for an outcome in which all parties involved are at peace and confidant. Two, be scared to love another person, be too anxious to even prepare for the best, and assume our expectant mom is unable to make decisions and stick to them. I choose option one.
I am applauding. You can't hear me, but I am. Remind me next time I see you and I'll re-enact my applause for you.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Momma
Lol! Thank you. And yes, I will remind you :)
DeleteIf you had a friend, who was desperately in love with a guy who was married, would you encourage her to pursue him? Pray that he gets divorced so your friend can get with him? No, of course not! What a selfish, monstrous wish that would be!
ReplyDeleteLove how you don't see praying for a woman to give up her beloved baby, so YOU can have the healthy, white newborn! If that's not selfish, I don't know what is. (Love that you can't actually afford to adopt without fundraising either -- clearly being a parent isn't important enough to you to EARN the money to adopt. You do realise lots of moms give up their babies because they cannot afford them... neither can yOU!).
Hi Kaylee. I don't quite understand what you mean. We aren't praying for a woman to give up her child. We are waiting for a woman who is unable to care for her child and who chooses to place that child for adoption. We also aren't raising money for the adoption, we can afford it without fundraising. Although if fundraising is necessary to cover government fees and necessary support for an expectant mom, I don't see an issue with that. We aren't limiting to just Caucasian babies either. If you have any more questions please send me a private message. Thank you!
DeleteObviously, Kaylee doesn't know what she is talking about. Dont let ignorant people get you down. Keeping your adoption journey in my prayers. :)
Delete- Rebekah
Thank you for your thoughtful post. It's a terrible thing that unselfishness is so difficult to recognize that it is misunderstood entirely.
ReplyDeleteI agree. It's so sad to me that there are people who haven't experienced or seen adoption as the loving act that it is.
DeleteI agree with you whole-heartedly! I think some of the people out there in the adoption community are trying to protect people like us from potentially experiencing the heartbreak from an adoption reversal like they did. And sometimes that comes across as totally dampening down our hope, excitement, and love we feel for and about our future child. That can really be discouraging. I am glad you have decided to continue living option one!
ReplyDeleteThank you Rhonda!
DeleteThis is something I, myself have struggled with. Obviously we are thrilled and honored to have been chosed by an expectant mother looking to place her child for adoption. We've been looking forward to starting a family for what seems like so long, and now it is more than likely happening! At the same time, I do realize that nothing is final until the paperwork and logistics are finalized. Anything can happen and that is the expectant mother's right. It's not that I don't trust her to make her own decisions, I just know that this will be a difficult time for her. I also have a guilt and sadness for the loss that another family will be working through as we celebrate our new addition - even though placing the child for adoption is a choice, that doesn't make it an easy one. I try very hard to balance our excitement and joy with respect and support for our future child's first family. It's tough but will be beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI'm so excited for your family Katie! I understand your pain and guilt as well though. It most definitely is a balancing act of respect and joy.
DeleteHave you ever changed your mind about anything?
ReplyDeleteOh! Did I say I wanted a turkey sandwich? I changed my mind and want salami instead. That's ok, right?
Well, with adoption, it's not a sandwich, it's a baby and the stakes are much higher. Many women go into modern adoption feeling sure of their decision because they have never had a baby before and they think they know how they will feel but that feeling can change dramatically and often does once the baby arrives. I am not telling you to not be excited or not care for the expectant mother and the child but you should go in realistically.
These are people, real people we are talking about. And sometimes people change their minds.
I find it shocking in the adoption community when potential adoptive parents become heartbroken when a mother decides to parent. They often call the mother "selfish". It seems unfair. Having a baby is a big deal and choosing to parent one's own child is a right in this country.
We can change our minds about a turkey sandwich but we can't change our minds about parenting our own children once they have arrived in the world? That seems twisted.
I know I am not going to change your mind on this. I did not write this expecting to.
You wrote that it makes you mad that some people have been hurt by adoption. That adoption is an act of love.
I think that is mostly true as long as the people involved always keep in mind that adoption was created to provide needy children with loving homes and not the other way around.
Hi Joan. We absolutely understand that a baby is nothing like a sandwich and wholeheartedly agree that it is wrong to call a birth mother selfish for deciding to parent. We in no way want to convince or encourage a woman to place her child for adoption. We want her to be 100% confident her her choice. It is HER choice. We've had an expectant mother change her mind about placing with us, granted we never got to meet her in person but we became attached non the less. We feel absolutely no bitterness or anger towards her. Again, her choice. Here's a link to a post about that http://joshandkrisloveadoption.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-room-across-hall.html
Delete